I had something similar to your situation. Growing up, I befriended lots of boys, but they never came forth declaring they liked me or what not. I had self esteem issues at 14, and went haywire to change my looks. Even when I changed myself, I noticed no one really came around. In fact, it went opposite. I started having less guy friends. Guys would feel especially awkward to be around me, so I was always wondering what I was doing wrong. I've yet to know lol, but I don't think it's something to cause a head ache over, you know? Guys are all different, and somewhat the same at the same time, but I do believe they each have their own tastes. It depends on how compatible the guy feels next to you. You really do have to just live life, and not search for him, and wait for him to come along. He will. There's nothing wrong with you at all. You'll find someone the same as you. Just be patient, and keep your heart open but guarded at the same time.

=)

  I don't know if this will help u or not but just wanted to let ya know.

  Your not alone there r tons of ppl that feels like u do 'cause, I am one of them that been in the predicament that u r in now, I've gone through stages where, I didn't associated with any of the male compains for the longest time after my relationships with all the male's I've only went out with a few men in my life and had only a few that really lasted for about a year or two and right back where I am now so, I am still not really seeing anybody right now but, I am not settle for no one in particular 'cause I know my heart cannot take what I have gone thru only God knows my heart and yours and I feel He will understand why u have become at this point in your life.

  So my advice is this put a stone in front of your heart that u can withstand any heartache that comes about and I know u will be strong.

 'Cause I have done it myself I've learn thru the past that all men will use u no matter what els them so what I feel for the men in my life, I will also use them for my needs I know it is wrong of me to do unto them that did not do nothing to me but, I have to protect me because no will.

  I hope the best for u and I will also pray  for u to be strong, I feel God will look out for the weak to make u strong.

   Well enough of this all I been doing is repeating myself maybe I should write this all down on my diary  hope u visit my entries maybe some will help u out.

                                 God Bless you

Congratulations on the "A" in bio. That's great!!!

I used to have friends who were selfish like that. One guy would call me and leave a message on my answering machine. Then, he could keep calling. When I finally had a chance to return his call the next day, he told me to never mind because he had already solved the problem. He would only call me when he wanted stuff. I just stopped having anything to do with him. So, he rarely calls now. When I move, I won't give him my new number. In fact, I doubt I give anyone in southern California I knew my new number. They just cause me grief. I don't have any people I would consider true friends. Most everyone is selfish.

I got an e-mail from Cheryl's mother yesterday. She was so excited about me coming back down there. Personally, I think that Cheryl decided to cut off all communication with me four months ago and told her parents to do the same. So, I wrote Cheryl's mother back and told her the details of me moving down there. I also told her that I thought the family had counted me as good as dead by now, but I hope that I hear from her before another four months pass. I

'm sick of two-faced people! I tell it like it is, and, if they can't handle it, that's not my problem. If you like me, fine. If you hate me, fine. But, don't tell me that you like me and then turn around and tell your friends that you have nothing to do with me because I'm such a bad person. That's what Cheryl did. Then, she e-mailed me later like she was all buddy-buddy with me again. You know, I'm better off without her.

Hey darl,

Thanks so much for your comment, I read it over and it did get me thinking. I hope the test is negative, but the waiting game is what drives me crazy. If I am pregnant, I'd give my boyfriend a choice, he already know's of my worries and his moto is 'Its takes two to tango and I'm not letting you take the lead...' My friends are actually younger then me (either by months or a year) and have boyfriends who are either supporting them, or they;re living with them. This is hard for me considering my boyfriend is still only 17 and cant even support himself.

He's a smart boy, but that's what he is, a boy and not ready to be a father, like I'm not ready to be a mother. He's going through work and school and his raceing (which is his dream) right now a little rigid and as mean as this sounds, a baby would screw everything up for the both of us. I was on the EF waiting list to go on exchange to america, but because I'm so paranoid I'm thinking about ringing them and saying forget about it. Thanks so much for your advice, it made a lot of sense, but its also scary to think that all the work I've done to get this far in life is going to be a waste.

Next time your friend text's you, just text back saying "I am not at liberty to make your life any easier" and see what she says. I have friends(S) like this and the only thing I can do is ignore their messages and claim I never got anything, which works most of the time. Explain thing's to her and either she'll understand, or think your worst friend in history. 

Lots of love xo. 

Who knows what the future has in store for anyone... Things change even when you least expect it. Life is too short to hang on the past.

=)

I know exactly what you mean. I used to always keep my feelings bottled up inside. Then, people encouraged me to express my feelings. So, I did. Then, people thought I was weird, took advantage of me, and made fun of me. So, I'm back to bottling up the feelings, except for expressing him here online. I sure do get down and lonely at times, but, then I remember how much others have hurt me by me just being myself, and it makes me feel better that I don't have friends. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

No, Cheryl and I are not talking. It's been over three months since our last communication. She will just hurt me again, so, I think it's for the best.

That's so very wrong. lol. I wouldn't even bother getting upset or pissed over these guys. Theyd cause me a nosebleed:P

Women have reduced themselves the same way as men have. They're guilty for wanting just as much sex. I say we gather these airheads, throw them in a cage and let them have their way. That way sane people may be able to function properly.
Oh I hate myspace.. lol

= )

Aw Nafeesah, I'm sorry. I have one grandfather livign at the moment.. He and I aren't as close as I would like to me, but I love him more than anything of course. My other grandfather was a different story... I never had the opportunity to know him, or meet him.. I think I said about three words to him in all my life.. but when he died, I cried the way one would cry over their very close ones. It's the thought of never having the chance to be close that hurt the most. Losing that chance is a heartbreak but it taught me to value all our relationships.

Wishing you the best!

Rana

= )

I have had similar troubles myself. The biggest problem I have is that most girls don't find me attractive because I concentrate on making the inside of me beautiful, not the outside. So, they don't see a "hunk" when they look at me. That usually eliminates any possibility of a relationship.

Guys, on the other hand, don't really care about that with other guys. So, I have had a few friends, but, in the end, they don't really turn out to be friends. They're just in it for selfish reasons, and they bring me down with their behavior. I finally made up my mind to not let others do that. Then, I lost my friends, because I didn't have things in common with them to talk about any more. So, it's just me now. The only people I associated with are my uncle, my mom, my dad, my grandmother, and people on here. I will get a call from friends every now and then but only when they want something. If I can't be used, I'm of no use to them, so it seems. And, I'm not going to try to latch on to them and let them bring me down to their level just so I have others to talk with.

So, I can understand how you feel. If others aren't willing to grow up, they're not worth your time. I'm sorry that Emil isn't more like how you would like him to be, but it's up to him to change. If he's not willing to change, it's better if you just move on.

You're so determined in your studies. I hope you acheive all your goals and more!

Cheaters will never make it in life :P

= )

Sounds like he lets his frat buddies bring him down. It can be hard to be good when the people you are around are not good. You tend to try to fit in by doing what they are doing, rather than building them up and trying to get them to come up to your level. I've learned the hard way in my life to distance myself from people who do that to me. Sadly, that's most everyone I've known. So, it gets lonely at times, but at least I'm true to myself and am a better person for it.

I'm sorry to hear about Mark being abusive with you, but it sounds like you have grown as a person because of it and have moved on. I hope Emil is a truly decent person, doesn't allow his frat buddies to take him down any more, and that you and him get to know each other better.

Congratulations on aceing your mid-terms! The problem with today's world is that kids have had it good all of their lives. If they had actually gone through the Great Depression, like my grandparents did, maybe they wouldn't be so immature. I think the big credit crunch/mortgage problem going on now is due to this immaturity. People could buy a house on stated income before. In other words, if you need to make $75,000 per year to qualify for a loan, the person could just "state" that they make $75,000 per year and they would qualify, even though they only make, say, $35,000 per year. All of that has changed now that billions of dollars have been lost by banks due to giving out bad loans. Maybe people will change a little. It would be nice. It's good to see someone who knows how tough college is and is willing to put in the effort to get good grades. Good for you! You'll be glad you did when it's all said and done.

Since you have the March Madness picking gene, did you enter any contests this year? I'm proud to say that I am currently tied for first in my contest. I have to say that now before the first game actually starts.

[WeirdChristian]

Hey hun :)

Thanks for the diary comment. I am glad that your doing better. Eating Disorders are soo hard to overcome cause there are always so many things that trigger it. But its good that your doing better and that you found someone who makes you happy. The best relationships are those that are based on a friendship firstoff. Because thats what 2 lovers should be, best friends :]

I hope to become a registered dietician. Funny cause it seems that all girls that previously struggled with eating disorders seem to know the most about nutrition. My boyfriend thinks its funny cause I sometimes eat 600 calories a day when I know the exact amount I need. Its just hard to stick to the rules sometimes, I guess.

[cryingdestiny]

  Hello there QueenB,
cute name by the way. I would have to say that I could not imagine how Emil wouldn't know that you are a true friend. It sure sounds like there is something there between the two of you, and I'd be surprised if he doesn't continue working on your relationship.
  It sounds like you're both making great strides in your work lives, and congrats to both of you. You have something in common; you both know how to work hard. You apply that to a relationship, and you're in for a great time together.
  Hope you had a nice weekend, and enjoy your Monday. See you later, Michael.

Teenage drama is so overrated. I think you're absolutely right about cutting those sisters loose. TWICE the drama?? Hah, no one needs that when one is trying to sort out the mess in their own life. lol. Sometimes I just want to slap people across the face and tell them to GROW UP! We still see middle aged individuals consumed in party life, and you realize how sad that is. Where did all the good people go? = ( lol

Rana

=

[SlayerChick]

Do you know when you are going to see Emil again?

It does sound like it could be him going on your myspace page.

= D

It really doesn't matter at all how old you are and how old he is. It comes down to how well you connect spiritually. That is ageless.

=D

 Hey Queenbee

 I just wanted to say whatever u feel for him u write what is in your heart.

 Don't let yourself stop sending the letter u wrote to him, I am guilty too on what, I feel for a man that , I can not send the letter just like u.

  So force yourself to send it and go from there  , I need to take my own advice as well.

                          God Bless u and keep u safe

I really wish you the absolute best! I think you deserve this sooo much. You're not someone who has deceived Emil, or lied to get him to like them. Lies are always revealed at some point. Because when you think about it, if you put up a false mask, he would have fallen in love with a completley different person. i do sense that he has strong emotions, but who is going to make the leap first? Are you planning on confronting him about these feelings? They are too strong to avoid, and I'm getting anxious to see how it continues.

Mark is a scumbag. Really truly is. No person has the right to put someone innocent down, no matter the situation, it shows a sign of weakness. He was probably insecure about himself and was looking around for any "flaw" he claimed he found. Your weight, your image... These aren't flaws. Just things he used in hopes of convincing you that you can only have him. Which is obviously not the case at all.

You are definitely a beautiful person in side and out.

Wishing you the best of luck!

Rana

: ]

We do have great taste in yummy men don't we? Here's to us! *Raises champagne glass*

I think you're right. Men do test women to see if they're Ok with them having kids. I know Kerry did that to me and seemed a bit taken aback when I said I was cool with it and then a few weeks later cooed over their photo. I'm sure he was very pleased with your response and it won't be a barrier holding him back now he knows you're cool with it. After all, older men usually come with a bit of baggage so we have to accept it or run for the hills!

Sorry to hear about your past relationship. I hope Emil is the man who will help to heal old wounds.

I hope you're having a great year so far! Good luck with everything!

Forgot to say Happy new years.

: )

Great entry, loved reading it because it's all true about women not appreciating good men, and men treating women like trash cause they think it's okay. it's obviously NOT okay. and you've experienced it first hand, and you don't deserve any of that either. you're easily someone I could look up to cause you know that the person you want should appreciate the good qualities about you, and that it's important to put you first. i dont think someoen should find happiness in another person. I think they should find happiness in themselves first.

: )

i agree with the comment below me

ALSO thanks for commenting on my entry it meant alot!

this guy sounds like he really needs to get his sh*t together.

thanks for the  comment in my diary awhile back.  it meant alot to me

[1bap]

Aw, thanks for the diary comment, & your very right <3

i hear ya!

im unemployed also...it wasnt by choice really. but i have choosen not to look for a job due to surgery and im also moving over an hour from where i live now. but i know once i start looking for a job, i'll be in the same situation. it just seems like no matter how hard you look, theres nothing thats right. i was unemployed also last january and just looking for a job then was difficult. i know for me....its hard to really decide what i want to do with my time..but thats just me.lol

good luck in your job search. did you try msn jobs or monster.com?

Thank You For the diary comment hun <3

He ended up calling :]

   Well it is good to hear from u as for me I have been busy too with work and my 2 Male Friend's  One want's to be boyfriend and girlfriend and as for me I don't want that with him I like him a lot but don't love him I think I am in love with the one that Is Married and from another country and I know it is wrong but what am I surposed to do....

  I have done everything to not take it so serous, and I know it is time to break it off but it is hard for me to break the ties from him...

   Anyway that is what is going on with me, I am glad to hear that u found someone that means a lot to u  and keep in touch from time to time u can e-mail me @ kj98robin@hotmail.com

Aww

Thank you so much for that hun, your very right

& I am soo sorry about youe ex boyfriend. He didnt treat you right and no guy your with should ever make you feel bad about yourself!

Your beautiful and always remember that

<3

Thnx hun :]

I hope everything works out for you and the guy you like

It will :]

<3

hey there queen..

never read your diary B4, just seen this entry on the 'home ' page when I logged in,and caught my eye..

i just need to say Im proud that you didnt 'persue the relationships when you knew they were someone else(married men)'.... You deserve  the #1 man for you..and someone that cherrishes you, and makes you be that queen like your name...

 As for the mark.. who the heck does he think he is..Im not judging , but I hate when men think to say something ( in my past ) or to friends, authors, when they have their own life screwed up( hus jail time )..I dont know your diary.. but   i believe we shudbnt look for love..  love finds us.  Yes its so hard to  'wait '..  but i believe God has given us  man that is JUST for us.. even if it takes time to find...

 . And just as you said.. he will  love you for who you are . never mind the stupid comments ( but i know hurt words cant be forgotten) he said.. The beauty with in , is the most important I think, and many of us know!!!..

It is sad, when theres a man we care for so much, and then  yea we loose an interest from him.. those men that are looking ' for materialistic things ' , have no idea what will come there way when they are old & lonely. abnd then if thsts basically what they are lookign for .. well, they are NOT worthy of you!!!

soo. with that said.. Enjoy your time with  the relationshiop your building up w.  Alex, make the best of it .. and any time someone that hurt your heart tries to get back in touch , just say simple words.. "Ive moved on, and have gotten wiser since you've knows the old me ..Good bye!"..

 anyways .. stay happy. I just wanted to comment..

have a great day!!

`me

HMQueenB Welcome Back sure have missed ya hope all is well with u...

Thanks for the comment u r right about the comment that u wrote to me on my last entry, Take care and God Bless u... 

Thanks for the diary comment. You are very right! I have done a lot of investigations regarding Scientology and everything you just said there, is infact true. It is a cult and its a scary thing because so many people are being suckered into it, you know? But I know oneday the church will go down, or at least Im hoping!

<3

Thnx again

Ashley

Thank You for the diary comment xx

Sorry about what you went through

& Britney Shaving her head with funny lol

<3

 U know u should thanks your lucky stars that u didn't get out ya wallet to hand him some money he could of stolled your money or the worse thing could happened he could of kidnap u and kill ya for all u know...

 So U should look it at that way too and not think of some ppl just all want money, who know's what would happened...

Dear Queen,

   What a Beautiful tribute! 

   Thank you for your note and for sharing your experiences and opinions with me.

   With Much Gratitude,

        Jewel

Perhaps when you were with the man for five years you weren't entirely sure what you wanted. Now look at you. You know that you deserve to be treated better, because you are a lady and you are smart about what you want. Someone who goes after the physical qualities in someone will find themselves getting absolutely nowhere. and the sad part about that, is they end up feeling hurt and used. I'm glad you know your worth, and knew to stay away from this Edward. He seems like someone who doesnt know a womans value and rather degrades them, uses them as a sex object.

I hope you have a merry christmas, and although you can't see your grandfather, he is there. its upto you to feel his presence and his undying love.

have a wonderful day and a wonderful night

much love,

Rana :)

Dear Queen,

   After a Big blow our with my bf, I will be spending Christmas without him...So I understand a bit..But atleast I have my mother.  (My daughter will be gone.) 

   Hopefully we both can find something that we love to do...and still manage to have a good Christmas.

   Best wishes with rebuilding yourself. 

  I liked what you wrote about the Grace of God...I so adore him.

   Hope that you have a blessed day,

           Jewel 

I think you're absolutely right about everything. You either are going to have kids or you're not. And if you're not then get ready for a life of ..well, a piece of emptiness. Then again, it's their personal desires and we can never really understand that or their situation. However, it gives them absolutely no rights to make judgments on families with kids and to point out negativity. I think children are a blessing but you need to be ready for them. You need to be able to support them, nourish and love them. It's a tad bit difficult if you're not in a job that can't even support yourself. lol, anyways nice entry

Rana:)

Ohhhhh f*** PEOPLE. Dont let PEOPLE get you down, who're they?! Who the hell are they where they have such superior standing over you, and if they're not good looking themselves then that just increases the reliability on the fact that they are completely and utterly insecure. Fight back! Call em' ugly, call em' f***heads, call em' ugly f***heads! they deserve it, not you.

So screw people! Who're people to tell you how to be, how to look, what to say, how to learn???? There's someone out there for everyone. All anybody can do is try, just remember that. If a relationship fails, it doesnt mean YOU did. Just means it wasnt supposed to work out.

  Hey Hm

 Just wanted to respond to another subject that u had back in june about Making plans to meet Edward...

 Just wanted to know how is it going with Making plans to meet Edward....

                                  Take care and God Bless u   

Wow that sounds so sweet. he's european mmm. loool

That's pretty sick!!!!

Anyway thanks 4 the comment. nope I'm not filipino...I'm chinese and east indian...and yeah i guess it's a cultural thing. I mean not the um parents thing...the uh body thing. I luk fat but I'm not that fat I jus have a lil stomach. I have huge hips and small waist and kinda big bust. So yeah I'm like an hourglass which is scary. but I can fit in sizze 14 and 16 jeans so I guess I am not that fat...althoough I am

Well I understand what you're saying...I'm 14. My grandma had a stroke so...she can be a bit annoying and I deal with it but my mum is relly annoying. YEs she does constantly tel me I'm fat and both her and my aunt says that when I get older I'll not be able to find a bf or get married and sometimes I get soo pissed I jus call KFC in front of her!!! I don't want to be fat so I'm starting a diet and plus my aunt constantly cmpares me to her daughter and it's annoying so I know where ur coming from

I am glad everything is working out for the best for u hope all will be great for u in the long run....

                     G/B/Y (God Bless You)

It is ironic how I just wrote an entry on not relying on feelings but, anyway. Yes, it looks as if you definitely just broke away from an abusive relationship. I understand the point of wanting to be a friend as well, however, it does not have to be right after the break-up. It could be days, months, even years later. You have to be prepared to be just a friend because, when you are all vulnerable and so on, your FEELINGS can turn you out. As for the childhood friend, my idea would be to scratch that for the time being and build yourself back up. I am pretty sure after something like that, there is a lot of hurt, a lot of bitterness, a lot of scars and wounds. So I just wouldn't think that would be the best thing to do. Rely on God wholeheartedly and you will find what you are really looking for.

Proverbs 3:5-7

Well from Queen to Queen I will tell you I agree with you 100%. And yes it is the adults because they are rasing thier kids to be hellions. You see it at WalMart and I want to smack the heck out the parents.

Then there is Nanny 911 where these jack asses can go on national tv parading thier bratty kids. Nanny 911 looks like a genious for telling parents to use a little common sense when raising kids.

Gosh if those were my kids I would be embarrassed as hell. But then again my kids would not dare act like that. Usually I am have 7 kids here between my 3 and then nieces and nephews (yes on almost a daily basis) and none of them act like that.

Well you hit my soap box...sorry for ranting so long.